Moment of Reflection: Desensitization & Crying

As the month Ramadan comes to the final 10 days, the most Holy days & nights, I believe it’s time for me to reflect. 

This Ramadan, it’s terrified me to admit that I might actually be desensitized. Which roughly is defined as a diminished response to a negative stimulus, after repeated exposure to it. I’ve already taken note that sometime in the past few months, I just stopped crying. I’ve noticed that the insults, self doubt, obstacles, even tv/movie scenes that would overwhelm me emotionally to eye burning tears, don’t do anything for me any more. 

I mistook it as strength when someone said something nasty or rude to me and I felt nothing. I thought it meant I was mentally stable when I stood in prayer calm and dry eyed, seemingly happy.

But all I’ve wanted to do this Ramadan is cry. I sense the stress in my life. I can taste the anxiety. I feel nostalgia and complex thoughts wanting to spill into my brain. Yet, somewhere along the way, I subconsciously trained myself to block everything out as a defense mechanism. 

I used to be embarrassed to be a crier, but now when I stand in Taraweeh there’s nothing I want more than to sob in this Holy Month in front of The Creator of The Universe and let everything go to Him. I want to feel overwhelmed with emotion. I want to be emotionally engaged with my life.

I’d never thought content would feel this bitter. While, I don’t wish to become broken as easily as before, I wish my spiritual and emotional body would realize numbness is NOT strength. And when I “turned off” my ability to feel sad, I shut down most of what makes my heart and soul tender and soft. 

My heart feels heavy with the weight of tears it’s waiting to burst out and let rain. I hope this Ramadan I can, at least, crack the shell that has coated my heart. I long to be soft again. 

"Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive"

Claiming My Dream

You wouldn’t realize how hard it is for me to start things, a flaw that’s probably my biggest obstacle. I disconnected my WiFi and isolated myself just so I could sit on my computer without getting distracted by the wondrous and consuming internet. All that’s resulted in is two pages of useless, broken paragraphs of my attempts to find the right “tone” for my first post. 

Seriously, even though this goes against my nature to obsess over how I start things, I’m just gonna give it to you straight this time. 

I love writing, I love story telling, I love comedy, I love public service, I love tv and film, I love anything that inspires introspection, I love psychology, and I want to be a part of all these things. I’ve always been afraid to claim my dreams. My dreams to write, to find wonder, to tell jokes, to create profound art, to inform, help people — more specifically to live a life of creative fulfillment. *Mix Ellen Degeneres and Mindy Kaling, I want to be that person.

What’s stopped me to claim my dream? Wavering self-confidence. Over investment in what everyone else thinks of me. Not knowing who I truly am. Fear of failing (but hey, the one good thing about not trying is that if you don’t try, you won’t fail…. am I right?? no, I am not right, bad advice).

So what’s changed? A year of a hard, and continuing, work focused on being my true self, most importantly, the best version of myself. My confidence has stopped feeling like a water bed that could pop any second and more like a nice fluffy display bed, sometimes I fall off but I always find a way to hop back on. The journey to my best self will never be over, but my shyness in claiming my dreams is over. 

So what’s with the blog? This is my space. My space to create original content. To write. To express. To story tell. To film. To display. To pretend to be funny. To share. To inform. To grow. To begin. Stick around to see what will happen. (Translate: I have no idea, just stay with me, okay?)