As the month Ramadan comes to the final 10 days, the most Holy days & nights, I believe it’s time for me to reflect.
This Ramadan, it’s terrified me to admit that I might actually be desensitized. Which roughly is defined as a diminished response to a negative stimulus, after repeated exposure to it. I’ve already taken note that sometime in the past few months, I just stopped crying. I’ve noticed that the insults, self doubt, obstacles, even tv/movie scenes that would overwhelm me emotionally to eye burning tears, don’t do anything for me any more.
I mistook it as strength when someone said something nasty or rude to me and I felt nothing. I thought it meant I was mentally stable when I stood in prayer calm and dry eyed, seemingly happy.
But all I’ve wanted to do this Ramadan is cry. I sense the stress in my life. I can taste the anxiety. I feel nostalgia and complex thoughts wanting to spill into my brain. Yet, somewhere along the way, I subconsciously trained myself to block everything out as a defense mechanism.
I used to be embarrassed to be a crier, but now when I stand in Taraweeh there’s nothing I want more than to sob in this Holy Month in front of The Creator of The Universe and let everything go to Him. I want to feel overwhelmed with emotion. I want to be emotionally engaged with my life.
I’d never thought content would feel this bitter. While, I don’t wish to become broken as easily as before, I wish my spiritual and emotional body would realize numbness is NOT strength. And when I “turned off” my ability to feel sad, I shut down most of what makes my heart and soul tender and soft.
My heart feels heavy with the weight of tears it’s waiting to burst out and let rain. I hope this Ramadan I can, at least, crack the shell that has coated my heart. I long to be soft again.
"Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive"